2011-10-08

I want to pinch you cheeks and arms even if there’s nothing to pinch because you’re skinny. But I don’t mind it, dear Charmer. I want to talk to you all day and hear your soft voice and once in a while argue with you. I want you to sing to me every time we talk. I think I have a crush on you.

The news of death of family members kept pervading the office last week. A father of a an officemate didn’t wake up. The grandfather of another officemate finally succumbed to sickness. A father-in-law of another died… There was also a biker who was killed by a Suzuki car in McKinley while on our way home one morning…

Life is indeed fleeting and it got me thinking if I die right now what mark will I leave? There isn’t much that I can think of. At 29 I’m still a work in progress. I matured, I know I did, however, I still don’t know much. Can I say that my life was well lived if I go now? I do not think so.

Condolence to the families of my officemates and the unknown biker in McKinley. I wish when my time comes, I could say I have lived a life well lived and lived it to the fullest.

It’s never going to be about me. I know that for sure. I am not your Kryptonite nor do I matter. Then why the hell am I still making a fuss out of it. I want you to write about me, to be madly inlove with me,  to stir passion in you. But I will never be that woman. Never. And I accept that fact.

I vowed to be Keech-free for the next three months. I was convinced by my friends Ge and Dona that this will be good for me. They said I should take this as a breather for the next three months and entertain the idea of just living a life without Keech. I really don’t see the point but I felt I had nothing to lose so I went along with it.

They told me that I am not alright. Maybe I am not but it’s not because of Keech. It’s more not knowing what my purpose in life is that is why I am lost. But that’s a whole new entry in itself.

They believe that I deserve someone better than Keech. I completely agree with this. I deserve someone who’s going to stick with me and love me like I love them.

They believe that I’m settling because he’s I’m okay with just the “friendship” that he has to offer. I don’t believe it’s settling but accepting. There’s nothing wrong if you accept the things you can’t have. It also just means that I am willing to forgive people who have hurt me before.

They said that he has lead me on and I wasted a year and a half for him. He kept telling me that I deserve someone better. He told me that he stunts my growth and that he was like Chicharon, not good for me. I didn’t wait that long time. I  even tried to date someone else. I have decided to stop believing in the US last February 16, 2011. I let go of him even if I knew he had plans of moving out.

I believe I still will gain something out of this exercise though even if it’s not in the same line of what my friends think. I believe one of them is to prove that I’m okay if he is around or not. I just choose for him to be around.

They just probably need to see me with another man. Ha ha ha ha ha… Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk… Too bad there is still no one right now… Sighs! Where the hell are you?! Come soon so they stop bugging me with this Keech thing. I love him but it doesn’t mean that I’m going to waste my life waiting for him. I’m moving on. I have decided to move on.

Whoever you are, come soon… So that my friends won’t be texting me these kinds messages anymore:

From Dona (love you dear friend)

An analogy:  Alam mo yung gusto mag-diet pero dahil sobrang takaw nya she woudln’t even try to lose weight? But she was told that she has to lose weight for her health’s sake so she tried to do that for 3 months… Kahit naniniwala sya na she will never lose weight.  Parang ganun ka. You shouldn’t manipulate the outcome, Gi. The whole point of this exercise is to have a breather… To be Keech-free for a while hanggang sa masanay ka na wala sya. But if from the start you are just doing this to prove that you’re right, then what’s the point? You should just keep doing what you believe is right which is kumain ng kumain hanggang sa pumutok ka. Kung ikaw yung nadadiet, 1 week ka palang dieat nagiimbak ka na ng mga kakainin mo once the 3 months is up. You look forward to talking to him pa after 3 months. Hindi dapat ganun. Dapat you keep an open mind or else, you’re just wasting your 3 months since naniniwala ka naman na wala ring silbi ang pag-iwas mo ng 3 months. Sigh. Ewan ko ba. Ayan tuloy hindi ako makatulog sayo hehe. Tsk. Sayang. You’re having such a slow, long, painful heartache for someone who doesn’t deserve you. And the really sad thing is, you brought this upon yourself. Keech was just the teaser, you’re the one who keeps taking the bait over and over again. Hay naku, bahala ka na kung paano mo iabsorb yan. For sure, it won’t won’t even make sense to you because you think you got it all figured out.

Regarding her analogy about dieting, it was not that I don’t believe I’ll lose weight but because I believe I don’t need to lose weight. But she isn’t entirely wrong, he doesn’t deserve me because he’s a coward and a big loser because he allows himself to be miserable because he believes he deserve it. He also doesn’t love himself. He doesn’t even believe he deserves to be happy. But I’ve seen what he is capable of. He can be someone great. He’s sweet and he deeply cares about me. And most of all he makes me happy. I like tapping into his mind. I love arguing with him. And for those reason and more probably, I’d like to remain friends with him.

So whoever you are, come and sweep me away from my feet and maybe this prayer will soon be answered.

someday, someone will walk into my life and make me realize why it never worked with anyone else…

I’m wracking my brains for an answer
I’m pleading that my heart tells me what makes it beat
I’m waiting for my gut to tell me what to do

I don’t see my purpose.