Michael is not answering my messages in Facebook as well as my texts. Last night, however, he dropped a note and said he’s just busy. I think I don’t want you to be too busy for me. There’s the kind of busy that’s tolerable and there’s the kind of busy that’s just too much!
Michael is my chance of you being a reality but that chance is slowly fading. Right now, I am looking at Keech again. However, I am telling myself, “stop being too dreamy or else you’ll get your heart broken again.” I can never be too sure with Keech. He just likes keeping me around. I just have to make sure I don’t go dreaming of him and I becoming a couple, getting married and having kids. He won’t. He said Mona is getting married on December. He said he’ll start dating next year. Sighs! That doesn’t mean he will pursue me though because it’s always someone else instead of me with Keech. It’s Princess and not me. It’s Mona and not me.
Keech started his hiatus this month.
December was really a miserable month for me. I’m very lonely. I don’t have a boyfriend and everyone around me are getting engaged and getting married. I already believe that marriage is not for me. I am not going to find “the one.” Does he even exist? Why are you so late? I am already ready to have you in my life?
Keech is not the one. He doesn’t see me that way. I am nothing to him. He doesn’t care about me. Above all, he doesn’t love me. I’m so distraught that I had problems sleeping. I even had to be given a sleeping drug =(
I don’t know how to fix myself. I think I already need help. I might need professional help. This is so heartbreaking. I am worried I might end up like Hope. She’s sick and I feel like a failure as a friend. Will she recover? I miss her but I’m so afraid to see her =(
There are a lot of things I’m worried about. I am in that dark place again where I don’t see any future. =( I can just die today. =( I loved and lost. Let’s just forget I lived. I want to kill myslef, not literally but figuratively. I’m too much of a coward to really kill myself. Maybe I will let life just float for now.
I’m so tired of loving Keech. I’m so tired of feeling unloved and unpretty. Come on Cupid! Stop shooting me arrows and start shooting arrows at men to fall in love with me. Men who I also love like Keech. Lagi na lang na si Keech. Wala na bang iba? Di naman nya ako love. Lagi na lang syang suffocated. Wala naman akong ginagawa. Sabi pa nya demanding daw. Ano ba yan! Walang katapusan! Why can’t I just get over him!
Kiko told me while I was in Pagudpud to call later because he was with his girlfriend. He is not talking to me now because he has a girlfriend. He thinks it’s for my own good so I can finally forget about him.
I know I’m not inlove with him, not anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time. I probably just felt alone in my aloneness. I also had a very flicker of hope that it could have been us. All my friends are all betting on him and me to end up together. My family even thinks that he is my boyfriend for the longest time.